Hell is Endless
by Meghanav3
Summary: Nick realization to how he ended up at this point and everything that factored in. (Post 15x23 Thought Criminal to 15x24 Spring Awakening. Some Spoilers.)


"People say Hell is endless. They say it's our worst nightmare. The face of our darkness. Whatever it is, I say Hell is empty, and all the d_evils are here." - One Tree Hill_

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Nick watched as his whole life was falling apart around him. As they were cuffing him on that street it felt like everything was going in slow motion. He just kept thinking about what lead him to this point. How he had fallen so deep into that hole. He never thought he'd end up here. He was sworn to protect the innocent, the victims, and get justice. He wasn't supposed to punish those he thought were guilty. Who was he to determine if someone was guilty or innocent, just because of what he saw. Sure he saw all the facts and evidence they had, but there was still nothing that said he commented a crime, who was he to say he had. As they took his mug shot, he was starting to realize this was it. He wasn't going to get out of this one. Was he supposed to try and get out? Once they had placed him in the holding cell, he figured he shouldn't even try. He just sat there wondering how he let it get to this point, how he didn't listen to anyone and how he led himself to his own down fall.

Nick knew things could have been different. If he didn't take this job Maria, Zara and him could still all be a family. Yet at the same time if he didn't take this job he wouldn't have found out about Gil. He would have been continuing on with his life without knowing he had a son out there. Or maybe he would have found out another way that could have blown up worse in his face. He also wondered had he not taken this job would his partner have gone through all that torture with Lewis. Even though she made it out alive and has worked to over come everything, he still can't help but feel he let her down. He is her…. He was her partner and he was supposed to have her back, yet he never checked on her once. He knew how this case affected her and he knew she wasn't in a good place that night. He should have done more, he knew that then and knows that now, but he didn't. Had he not been there would her old partner or new partner have checked on her to make sure she was okay? Would they even have to deal with him to begin with? Or would it have been Amanda he went after instead. All he knew was it was one the many things that just kept eating him on the inside.

Things didn't help when Maria wanted to officially separate. He really thought they could find their way back. He really thought they could be a family again. Maria didn't want that, she wanted to move on. Sure on the outside he was taking it well and telling everyone it's fine, only it wasn't fine. She was his wife and he loved her more then words could say. He was an idiot; he wasn't going to deny that one, for ever thinking she was cheating on him. It was just being a cop and seeing all these different things, plus the distance away wasn't helping either of them. He royally screwed up that one. He thought he could make it up and they could start over, for a minute there he thought they could. In the end he just kept making mistake after mistake, after mistake. After everything that happened with the young boy he shot, he needed someone he could lean on. He knew he made the foolish move of going down to the D.C. He wasn't trying to scare them, he just wanted, maybe needed his life back. Sure he found someone to lean on in Amanda, but it was never anything more. She was just about stop of his road to self-destruction. It was something he needed; maybe they both needed it at the time. He knew it was never going to last. He wanted his family back, and he was going to find a way to get his family back. He just needed to give Maria the time and space. Then she calls him and asked to see him and she comes back to New York to tell him she's got a job offer in California. In that brief moment he actually believed Maria might have wanted them to be a family again or maybe try. Something's he wanted more then anything. In that brief moment he believed there was a chance, a chance for him and a chance for them again. Only his stupid pride was getting in the way. He wanted to go, to be with Maria and Zara again, but at the same time he wanted to stay here. This was where his job was, were his job used to be. After today he knew that was no longer an option. Yet Maria was still planning on taking that job, she was taking Zara from him. It was bad enough when they lived in D.C., now they were going to live 3,000 miles away. He wasn't going to let that happen, nothing he can do about it now. Maria was never going to bring Zara here to visit him and he wasn't going to want Zara to see him like this anyways. Zara had been through enough, it was better she was with Maria. It is better they were moving.

He started to remember Olivia's word to him a couple weeks after the shooting, "PTSD is real Nick, it's a process don't rush it." He knew it all to well. He was to busy accusing Maria of cheating to realize she had PTSD. He remembered that suspect that had come in a year ago who was suffering from it and who he was able to help. He just wasn't willing to admit it to himself. He wanted to prove to everyone, maybe mostly himself that he was fine. Truthfully he couldn't get the boy out of his head. He had paralyzed that boy for the rest of his life and for what? He knew he was doing his job, the job he loves and yet part it feels like it turned on him after that. He refused to let it break him. He was going to continue to do what he knew and help those who needed it. Or at least that is what he kept telling himself. He could hear what Olivia was telling him after the shooting and he knew deep down she was right, but he didn't want to show that. Now thinking back on that, he doesn't know why. He was just being stupid and trying to prove he was okay, because he things weren't okay, then what else did he have? His wife was gone, his daughter lived states away with her mother, and his son he barely get to see. All he had left was this job, and he wasn't going to lose that too. Of at least at the time he wasn't going to lose it, now it doesn't matter.

He also starts wondering if Munch and Cragen were still around would all this be going to hell? Munch would likely be telling him 'screw the higher ups and do the job you know how to do'. Cragen would be telling him 'you're a good cop Amaro, you need to look past the anger and focus on something else'. Or maybe he just thought they'd say something like that, because it's what he needed to hear and it couldn't come from him. The last few months he really could have used Munch around, or even Cragen. With all the changes to the squad and precinct he didn't know how they were still together. He looks back at it now and he wonders how they were all able to work together and not destroy everything they touched. Or maybe it was him that destroyed everything he touched. He knew they had broken more rules in the last year alone and yet they were all still standing. How OnePP didn't take all their badges at some points he'd never know. He also knew this was a job that not just anyone could do. They are all able to work together to do that job and that's what makes them a good team. A team he was no longer going to see again. A team he wasn't sure he wanted to see again. He let his temper and frustration for his life get the better of him in a situation he should have just left alone. He was told a couple of times to just let it go and he just couldn't listen. Looking back on it now, he wished he did listen. Between his life fall to pieces and going to hell, his wife… Maria taking Zara away from him and to California and this guy getting away, it was all too much for him. Nick wasn't going to let this guy continue to watch these kids, knowing what he wants to do with them. He claimed it was because he has a son and yes there was that reasoning, but he knew this guy was guilty. He knew it in his head, but he had gotten away and was released. When he saw him taking pictures outside of that playground, he wasn't going to let him continue to do that. He wasn't acting as a cop, he knew that, but he tried to use that. He was acting as a guy who wanted to see this guy punished for crimes he hadn't committed and crimes he maybe could end up committing. Which brought him back to, who was he to play judge and jury? Now he was here in the cell and his life was still falling to pieces. No his life was gone, because he bottled everything up inside and let it all out at the wrong moment. He knew what lead him here and he knew there was nothing left to fight for.

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**AN**: Kind of my take on Nick through Season 15. My friend and I both believe that Nick's been on this down fall for season 15. I was trying to point out some of the things that were a factor in that down fall. The first being Nick feels guilty for not being able to help Olivia or save Olivia from Lewis. He feels responsible for her being kidnapped. There was also all the changes in the precinct and in his life. From He finally accepting or Maria telling him they were down, and him taking off the wedding ring. To Munch leaving, followed but Cragen leaving and Olivia being promoted to his Boss. It was all to much in so little time. Then there was he shooting with the young boy. That's affected him the most. Now with Maria taking the job in California, it's all gotten to be way to much for him. He's gotten to a point he just can't do it anymore. He can't keep pretending everything's okay. (Side note, sorry to any Rollins/Amaro fans. Had it not been this season I could have been maybe okay with it. Sadly I don't think their is any really good intention behind their hook up. Honestly I feel it's completely out of character for Nick. Other thing I feel it was more a way to self destruct, because of all things I mentioned. The one thing he wants is his family back, and right now he's doing everything wrong.)


End file.
